Another night of less than 4 hours of sleep…I wake up mad. Little A pooped all through night and thus didn’t sleep much. (Poor girlie’s digestive tract is messed up from something I ate) Big A is sick for the second time this month. L ended up in bed with us…again. The jackhammer out my bedroom window started promptly at 7am. I lay in bed trying to rest. It’s a joke, I know I will not be able to fall asleep. I want to rage on the first thing that moves. L kicks over a glass of water sitting on the nightstand and I am up in a flash, grabbing a towel to sop it up. I can feel the heat of anger rising in me. Today I want to be…grumpy…pissy…mean! Dammit, I got no sleep…again! I want to drink my coffee and feel sorry for myself.
I look at L's little face. "Sorry Mommy" she says. I hear a faint whisper in my ear, "they don't deserve your wrath." I think, it's not anyones fault that I am exhausted. They are precious and deserve a kind mom today. I take a deep breath and say "It's okay."
I've decided that one of my 2016 goals is to complain less about how tired I am, mostly to myself. It is inside my own mind that I throw the most pity parties. I am going to work on choosing to be joyful when I feel so exhausted. Stop keeping a tally of how many hours I did or did not sleep. Stop wanting Jeff to feel bad for me, I know he does. My girls deserve to see me smiling at them in the morning and holding them close when I just want to be alone. Feeling sorry for myself about how little I sleep these days only puts me in a bad mood and my girls can sense that so easily. How can I expect them to learn patience, perseverance or grace if I do not show them. Today I will drink my coffee, ask God for grace and choose to smile.
